Do you play front and center or from behind and to the side? Do you engage your team mate directly to help him âup his gameâ? Or do you do it through others? The coach, the other players, the water boy? Where does your energy go when you think about giving feedback (up, down, out, in)? Whatâs the energy you hold when you provide it?
I get to work with people on feedback quite a bit. Giving it. Receiving it.
Fearing it. Loving it. Making sure it is in service of. Cleaning it up so itâs not personal. Cleaning it up so it actually helps. All in service of creating better results, better relationships, smarter collaboration, safety for risk taking, and ultimately cultures and leaders that inspire trust and the best results possible.
As always, I notice trends. I notice when people are careful. And why. When they pull their punches. And why. When they sabotage the feedback. And why.
When they avoid it. And why. When it gets totally distorted. And why. When itâs productive or not. And why. Itâs a simple, yet complex game. And one that is important in creating trust and good results in your organization.
Being in the position to help folks give feedback in some cases, and to help clients integrate it in others (discerning the good from the bad, the helpful from the not, the service oriented from the personal), I am often sought out by their peers, direct reports, bosses, even their spouses, to âgive me just a little bit extra feedbackâ on the side, or to tell me about something thatâs happened that they disagree with or are âconcerned about.â
I notice that with this often comes speculation about what might be going on for the subject, analysis, etc. â" a lot of it based on assumptions and the individualâs discomfort or personal preferences of what it should look like.
Depending on the scope of the work and the agreements designed with my client, how these interactions are handled may be different. And one thing that is consistent is that Iâll always ask the person if theyâve delivered the feedback directly before bringing it to me. Sometimes they have, often they havenât, and even more often they donât want it âtracedâ back to them.
I can understand where this comes from for many, after all feedback can be a scary thing and rouses up many underlying beliefs for all of us whether (weâre giving it or receiving it), and Iâd like to offer that there is a tremendous opportunity for âwalking through the fire together,â holding ones âspace,â strengthening relationships, and achieving an even better outcome through all of this.
*Here are two common scenarios that interfere with trust and results when it comes to feedback. *See if either of these offers you anything:
For these examples weâll look a âMaryâ and âMarkâ and âClydeâ and âSue.â
*Scenario 1:* Mary gives feedback about Mark to a 3rd party (ie. Markâs coach or his âbossâ or another colleague, etc.)- instead of delivering it directly â" and hopes that it will get delivered âappropriatelyâ for her. (Often this is because she doesnât want the confrontation, she doesnât think itâs her âjob,â she doesnât know how, or itâs not âcleanâ and she senses or knows it.)
*Impact: * Triangulation (which rhymes with strangulation and I think they have similar impacts!) A âtriangulationâ situation, in which someone is in the middle of the two people who should be directly engaging, actually takes the power out of the primary relationship (Mary and Mark), creates passivity, abdicates leadership to the 3rd party, compromises the integrity of the feedback, and ultimately ends up in diminished trust and results.
*Alternative:* If Mary notices the feedback to be given and isnât sure how to go about it â" I believe itâs fine, and even responsible, to engage a TRUSTED* 3rd party to get support in making sure that itâs clean and useful feedback (itâs not personal, itâs specific, it gives them somewhere to go, itâs co-active), and that itâs handled with care and delivered with the best approach in order to be most helpful. (*By trusted, I mean someone who will hold it with confidence, hold her âaccountableâ, help her truly navigate through it, make sure itâs clean, AND not collude, gossip or nitpick with her about it.) In this scenario Mary owns the feedback. She commits to delivering it directly to Mark (what he does with it is another post!) This keeps the 3rd party outside the system, and there to help âclean upâ and optimize the feedback if needed, and keeps the power of the relationship with Mark and Mary (allowing them to experience the trust as their relationship grows.)
*Scenario 2:* Clyde gives feedback about Sue to a 3rd party but he DOESNâT want them to share it, repeat it, etc. He just wants them to âbe awareâ - but he also wants Sue to change and âget itâ (and therefore hopes it will get handled somehow.) Thereâs a complaint there, with a request underneath, but itâs not being addressed directly â" nor is he willing to âput it on the table.â Uggh.
*Impact:* This is even trickier than scenario #1 as the 3rd party canât really do much with it, itâs not direct, itâs given in confidence, itâs passive, and therefore itâs not really helpful. (In fact, before I learned the lesson of how to more proactively design for this scenario, I once âreturned to senderâ saying there was nothing I could do with it if it was âin confidenceâ and they werenât willing to participate. There wasnât. If theyâd been willing to share it outright or even with anonymity, we could have done something productive, but in this case, it was a no-starter.) Back to Clyde and Sueâ¦By Clyde sharing this with the 3rd party, sure itâs possible that he/she might be able to keep the feedback in back pocket and be aware of it, and somehow use it to serve down the lineâ¦But, thereâs a huge opportunity lost for supporting Sue (if the feedback comes from a good place.) And what I find even more interesting about it is to explore the learning underneath that scenario about whatâs going on for Clyde and what might be happening in the relationship with Clyde and Sueâ¦.
*Alternative:* If youâre Clyde, explore your feedback more fully. Check out the questions that I list below. Identify the request you have underneath that complaint. (Complaints are generally uncommunicated requests.) Consider what âbeing in service of Sueâ might look like truly. Check the feedback â" if itâs personal or crooked â" either donât give it or clean it up (or call me and weâll work on it together.) If youâre the 3rd party in that scene, you have a great opportunity to coach Clyde through whatâs going on for him. If I happen to be that 3rd party weâll often explore the feedback and whatâs getting charged up for âClydeâ (because thatâs often the case in this scenario â" itâs personal.)
*Iâll also often ask one or all of a series of five questions to support a âClydeâ in moving forward:
1) Have you given the feedback to the individual directly? Is it in service of? What are you concerned will happen if you give it directly?
2) Whatâs the intent of sharing the feedback with me?
3) What do you hope to gain from sharing it? What might be different? Whatâs the outcome you seek? Or even (depending on my intuition) what are you really looking for here?
4) What would be wrong with my telling them you brought it up with me? (This will open up a lotâ¦look deeply here, this is where the gifts are.)
5) How can I be most helpful to you? What is your next best step?
Try it on. If you answer those 5 questions, youâll often find some pretty interesting answers as to where thereâs a gap in the relationship or where youâre holding back, where youâre personally getting triggered, and at a minimum better clarity on what you hope to accomplish through that feedbackâ¦it also helps keep it clean so everyone is working togetherâ¦the more direct and service oriented the feedback is, the greater the trust created, the more effective the feedback and the better the result.
Obviously it goes much deeper than this, and this is just food for thought for the next time you give feedback, are tempted to give it âthroughâ someone else, or even better, someone comes to you (try on the questions with them, see what happens.) I offer these scenarios and ânoticingsâ for other coaches and consultants doing this kind of work to âbeware the lure of triangulationâ and I also offer it to leaders in general as you lead your team and work to help your folks optimize performance. I believe the best way to build trust and to create the best end result is to in fact directly engage (dare to engage), to work through it and if needed to ask a 3rd party for support in being most helpful. As always, use these principles as they resonate for you and Iâd love to hear your thoughts!
Anese Cavanaugh, founder of Dare To Engage, is devoted to helping forward thinking business leaders become revered leaders in business and life while they build a more authentically engaged workforce, retain top talent, and support personal sustainability throughout their organizations. With degrees and credentials in the areas of kinesiology, leadership development, productivity, coaching, and wellness, Anese brings a fresh perspective to experiential leadership training and fully engaged living, celebrating and honoring the hero within each person. For more about Anese or the Dare To Engage Programs or to receive a complimentary report and audio on "Energy & Results" go to www.DareToEngage.com
Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/leadership-articles/the-game-of-feedback-performance-improvementhow-do-you-play-1283015.htmlOrignal From: The Game of Feedback & Performance Improvement...How Do You Play?
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